anxiety

2018 where are you?

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Hello spring are you there? Sure we are almost at summer and I’ve heard a lot of people say it doesn’t even feel like the year has even gotten started. I for one feel the exact same.

2018 was always going to be a year of change for the Felton’s. Ian started a new job, Josh would be starting school and we would be changing up our childcare as a result. We planned to get savings underway to finally get a chance to clear some small debit and look to getting a mortgage maybe next year. The world had other plans…and I’m not even talking about the snow that set everyone back a little.

In January we got news of Josh’s teeth, this had a knock on affect on a lot of things. I also found a lump on my breast that after several weeks of monitoring/doctors visits it turned out fine, thank god. I had also been struggling with my anxiety since later last year and these 2 events along with a number of small things going on in the background made it become unmanageable. I cant put my finger on the exact trigger but it also started to affect my mood/outlook and as much as I hate to admit it I think Josh picked up on a couple of things too and that was what spurred me to head back to my GP. I have been taking a low med for a few years now but decided to up my dose, my concern was Max is still feeding once or twice a day and I didn’t want to contend with stopping that too so the GP assured me that the % was so low that the benefit outweighed the ‘risk’. The cliché is a cliché for a reason-happy mama, happy babas so I went this advice and I’m slowly seeing the benefit. If something is not working try and change it for the better..

I am a real believer in if you have a positive mind, positive things will happen. In this crazy world we live in it can be hard to not let a bit of negativity drip in. However I have found more often than not that if you wake in the morning, you have a bright outlook suddenly even small things start going your way-‘you catch the bus, there is a place for you to sit in the coffee shop, the thing you hoped would be left in the shop is…there is a parking space’-you know the drill. With kids the predictability of life is challenging, the lack of sleep, the tantrums, the sickness that you can contend with on a daily basis, but this is stuff that all parents deal with on some level so moaning and groaning about it doesn’t help anyone it only puts you into that negative mind-set….and on the flip side you have kids that bring you daily joy and love and that is hard to beat. I have had to adapt my ways as most parents do, go with the flow a lot more-let go of the little stuff, focus on what is really important at any given time and that has been good for me-that’s what kids do-they ground you.

I wish for security for our family, I work part time but even looking at returning full time would not pay the dividend required to secure a home. We would love to grow our family at some stage in the future but right now that seems like a big mountain to climb. I think hope has to return, I read a quote recently-dreaming is a form of planning and as a natural planner this quote sticks well with me..but right now over planning ain’t for me!

So here’s to dreaming, here’s to positivity and here’s to the rest of 2018 kick starting the way so many of us thought it should!

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Anxious Mama

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Every parent has a degree of anxiety about their children and I am no different. It begins when they are in your tummy, then they are born, then they start to move, school, teenage years and I’m sure right into adult hood. This is all normal. You care unconditionally about your child/children so it is excepted for you to feel a little anxious about their well being. 

However I live and have lived with daily anxiety since my teens. When I discovered I was to become a mum I was nervous it would rare its head again but I was pleasantly surprised when my usual symptoms subsided-all those good pregnancy hormones did their job!

I stayed on low levels of medication throughout my pregnancies and feeding as recommended by the doctor and I knew this was right for me too.

On both babies those first few months I felt fine, completely sleep deprived but very contended and calm. It was around the 3/4 month mark on both I started to struggle. I’d feel familiar panicky symptoms, I’d overthink things and get completely overwhelmed. 

The more the years go on, the more I recognise these days/hours/periods of time but as a first time mum that was doing semi ok I decided to take action and went to speak with someone which I have written about previously. I met a fantastic councillor through Nurture who I will always refer back to when I need to check in on life. I returned to her for just a couple of sessions after I miscarried in between having the boys and it helped me immensely to take stock of my thoughts and  feelings. 

With my second child, the sleep deprivation was hightened. If I thought I was tired before this was on another level as all the reserves are gone. With the reserves gone, managing the feelings of anxiety that can come flooding in became a little less manageable at times but somehow I just muddled through. I put new strategies in place now that life was busier and on most days I come out the other side.

It is something I live with daily and I worry my eldest in recent months he picked up on some of my behaviours and will perhaps adopt some of my bad traits but despite him being almost 4 we talk to him like a human and that seems to help. 

A lot of the above mums are dealing with during periods in parenthood but unfortunately my head makes me work every day to be calm, be happy and be ok with just being ok. Even writing this post is hard because I know how lucky I am, I project a life of happiness because I am happy but the daily reality is with this I struggle, I’m learning and evolving with this almost 20 years later but I felt this week it was important to highlight the realities and be ok to put it into the public domain too. 

Weird Weeks 

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It’s safe to say that is has been a weird couple of weeks but I am writing this post feeling a lot better than I have and so I can put the last little  while behind me.

I returned from holidays feeling hopeful and focused but getting sick kind of scuppered that and then thrown into that a few changes in my life going on, very positive ones but changes all the same I let old anxieties creep in.

I felt old trigger points raise their nasty head, I had a constant knot in my tummy and the irrational side of my brain was in full force. I absolutely HATE feeling like that. It doesn’t happen often, in fact I can’t remember the last time but most of the time I think I’m am pretty ok, capable person but when this black cloud creeps in I absolutely am not!

Anyway I appreciate everyone has crappy times and for me I just had to ride through and thankfully I did. The light began this weekend, started off by a fab spa day with my mama pals in Rainforest Spa, Enniskerry. Next up was brunch with my girls, farm fun with Josh and then date night with my main man in Marco Pierre White. My mum took Josh on an overnight so plenty of rest and then a lovely family filled Sunday completed the road to re focus!

Sometimes it can be hard in life to realise and appreciate how lucky you are but always when I can reflect on feeling a bit low I realise it all the more. My life is my family, making them happy and secure is what is most important to me so with some priorities now on a list that is what I endeavour to continue to do.

  
This week has a giveaway on the blog so keep your eyes peeled! 

A little stumbling block…

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Months in and sickness returned to our house again unexpectedly. Josh  had started to settle well in crèche since being moved rooms, work was going well and money was becoming a bit more free flowing. Things were on the up or so I thought. Josh hadn’t been sick for a couple of months but one Friday evening I noticed his eyes a bit gooey and then 3 huge vomits in the next 24 hours confirmed there was a little bug in his system. The weekend went fine, a trip to Airfield as new members, his first trip on a bus-the usual craic but by the end of the weekend I was unusually exhausted. At a personal training session on Monday night I felt pretty faint and by Tuesday I was like a zombie in work. Regrettably Wednesday had to be a bed day-10 hours sleep the night before had not done the job, I was wiped. The germs had crept in and dada had a sprained ankle so we were a house of crocs!

Looking back now I think my system is low, sickness in full fluey force returned at the weekend which enraged me to say the least! Things are going well but the adjustment has been huge and for months I think I’ve been hanging on by a thread, all the balls precariously up in the air and I have hit a wall. I beat myself up if I hit these walls and granted they don’t happen often, certainly less than they did years ago when I would perhaps indulge in them a little more. However one day of rest and bed bound at the weekend brought me the clarity to see two sides of the coin, try not get to the wall but if I do, that’s ok to-stop, rest & re boot!

Life as a working mama continues…