*Update at bottom of post..
I was 7 weeks pregnant and I miscarried. I decided to write this and be honest because as so many of the doctors and nurses told me, no one ever talks about it-again another sad taboo! 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, the day I was in hospital my doctor alone had confirmed 5.
It was 1 week before Christmas, my husbands birthday when it began. We were so thrilled to be pregnant with our second, a lovely gap and timing wise worked out very well in lots of ways but it wasn’t to be..
It started with light spotting and mild pain then red spotting brought us to the hospital. It was a hard juggle with Josh but we got sorted in the end thanks to great family and friends. The pregnancy test was still positive but nothing showing on the scan. Bloods were taken and after a very long wait we were sent home.
I kind of knew at that point things were not right, I was trying to be positive but with little symptoms and thinking back I had an underlying concern. My gut is usually pretty astute and unfortunately on this occasion it was bang on. Spotting increased and then came an larger bleed which brought me back to Holles St.
It was such a weird experience being back in a place that had brought me so much joy and now complete sadness about what was about to unfold. My blood levels had risen but only slightly-it was not a healthy pregnancy.
They admitted me for fear of ectopic and I was to be scanned the following morning. It was a long night. The ward was pretty quiet but after a few initial tears, the reality of what was happening didn’t really sink in. I could not drop off into much needed sleep either.
The next morning Ian was in at the crack of dawn along with about 6 other women in for d&c procedures. This is what shook me the most. Here we all were at a pretty low point of our lives, all young, healthy and the magic of Christmas so sharply taken from us.
I got called for the scan, I’d been fasting so was hoping food would come soon. The scan was internal and whilst a little uncomfortable it was nothing too bad but my legs would not stop shaking uncontrollably, shock they informatively told me. We got through it but there was no defitinitve result. More bloods would be needed and no food!
With it being 3 days before Christmas Ian had to head off and do chores while Josh got minded by a juggle of friends and family.
In the coming days I’m not sure what happened really sunk in, Christmas took over, I flipped into mummy/Santa/host mode. What made me sad was the hope of a new lovely baby was lost. I understand I was so early that ‘a baby’ as such was not lost but in our minds our baby was due in the summer and we wanted that baby so much for us, for Josh and for our family. It wasn’t to be..
This is my story, my experiences. Everyone differs. At first you wonder, will light ever return but slowly it will and you will smile honestly, laugh genuinely and be happy once more. You have learnt and lost.
A few days after it happened I saw an old school friend of mine who has been through some really tough times write this on her Facebook wall, having come through the other side:
‘…it makes me want to cry and cheer and tell everyone that it’s going to be ok and even if it isn’t for a while that you’ll figure it out’
One month on and after a difficult return to work and reality, I found this hard to write. Exposing myself so rawly made me nervous but I felt that if I wanted to continue with the blog as I do that it was something I should share. . I know that people will read this that didn’t even know this happened and that worries me too. I suppose writing it down is somewhat cathartic. Something like this changes you as a person a little I think and as a result changes are a foot in our house. At the moment we have moved from day to day to week by week and await the return of joy..
Today the baby we miscarried was due. We decided a long time ago to take the day off, not knowing how we would feel. We went for lunch and then picked our boy up early to do something nice together. This morning Josh woke me at 5.30 with a wet nappy, soaked through and he came into our bed for chats. Not a chance to think when I awoke of the significance of the day and that’s just the way it should be.
I have to admit reading back the post made me feel very emotional but coming up to today I didn’t feel much sadness at all, just thankful. Looking back now, all those months ago it really was a terrible time and experience to go through. It’s always so unexpected. I absolutely hated hearing the commonly coined phrases of-‘these things happen for a reason’ and ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. And yes you hear them even in your height of your pain. However reflecting on the last 8 or so months there is a bit of truth in those, for our family anyway..
Last year we made a few decisions that were not right for our family. It caused immense stress and we felt the result of this in many facets. Once we lost the baby it gave us a focus like no other and we made changes for the future and made plans that have certainly made a difference in our lives.
One of the major changes was my working set up, I now do a job share which is, for me/us the ideal balance of time with Josh and my independence too. It is also a low stress job which was strange for me at first but again I have accepted this for this stage of my life. I found out I was pregnant within weeks of starting this job and was very sick at the beginning with increased tiredness so I don’t even think I’ve really felt the full benefits yet but I can feel an ease in our family and that’s important.
One thing I took out of the whole experience, and I am fully aware from the responses I got that miscarriage is unfortunately a very common occurrence and everyone will handle it differently but what I took from it is that is I truly believe that the timing of your life is laid out the way it is meant to be. Something it certainly doesn’t feel like at the time but it’s made me so much more thankful and grateful for what I do have and appreciate the smaller things in life and not sweat the big stuff in the same way we did. For me and my husband now, family is everything and the the pure joy and belly laughs that Josh brings us saw us through all those months ago and sees us through every day no matter what is thrown at us. We are now lucky to have another bundle on its way in the not so distant future and that with health and happiness is all you really need the other things will happen in the timings they are meant to. Knowing that brings me peace and happiness I haven’t had in years.